The User’s Guide to Depression

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Thank you so much for becoming one of the millions of people around the world who have made Depression part of their lives! We’re so underwhelmed that you’re here.

We want to be sure that you get the most out of your new Depression, so we’ve assembled this handy user’s guide to help you know what to expect. Should you run into any trouble with your Depression, consult the Troubleshooting section below or drop us a line at We may or may not answer.

We also welcome your feedback. We’re always aiming to make Depression better, so feel free to reach out with your questions, comments, or existential dread.

Getting Started

When you first start with Depression, you may notice a slight decline in your interest in all of the things that made life enjoyable. It’s typical that you’ll find yourself staring off into space or lying in bad with no will to move. Don’t be alarmed. That means the Depression is doing what it does.

Should you not experience these effects, your Depression still may be happening. It may also take the form of rash behavior, extreme emotional expression, an affinity for country music, or a strong urge to clean your house.

When starting Depression, it’s important that you take some time to yourself. That means isolating yourself from friends, family, and any outlet for affirmation or reflection. This will allow you to fully experience the effects of the Depression.

You may find that you no longer feel the need to write in your journal or that your social media posts include only vaguely angry statements. This is typical. To better experience your Depression, scroll through your social media feed for at least an hour at a time without engaging with any posts.

Daily Operation

As you become accustomed to Depression, you’ll likely notice an intensification of these effects. To fully experience Depression, we recommend the following lack of daily rituals.

  • Avoid bathing, brushing your teeth or hair, or washing your face. In most cases, your Depression will remove your desire to perform these tasks.
  • Throw items on the floor whenever possible. Note that in some people, Depression will cause manic organizing of your closet, but shouldn’t have the effect of making you take your socks off the floor.
  • Avoid going for walks or getting out into nature. There is too much potential for positive stimuli.
  • Get into arguments on social media while ignoring messages from family and friends.
  • Avoid contact with any cuddly pets or otherwise cute animals.
  • Take plenty of time to ruminate about past mistakes.
  • Engage in self-critical talk. Be sure to avoid any positive affirmations and decline to accept compliments.
  • Avoid taking any medications that might interrupt Depression. Common meds include fluoxetine, aripiprazole, sertraline, and escitalopram.

Be sure that you don’t express your Depression to other people. This may contribute to your feeling like a burden to them. You may also notice that people accuse you of faking your Depression for attention or insist that you can simply stop at any time.

Rest assured, you’ve got the genuine Depression and it will endure for a while — assuming that you follow the above guidelines.

Should you have any concerns about your Depression and its effects, read on to the Troubleshooting section.


My Depression changed. I still don’t enjoy things, but I have lots of energy.

Don’t worry, your Depression is still operational. It’s simply taking the manic form. You may notice boosts of energy and a feeling that you can take over the world, followed by periods of typical Depression inactivity.

My Depression isn’t making me sadder.

If you’re putting on a happy face and achieving all your goals, it doesn’t mean that your Depression has gone away. As long as you’re still not deriving enjoyment from those activities, your Depression is still happening as expected. We recommend disrupting your diet or neglecting the gym for better results.

My Depression seems to be lessening.

Should you begin to feel like your Depression is no longer functional, be sure to isolate yourself from all loved ones. Positive, affirmative relationships can interrupt the function of Depression.

We hope that you’ve found this User’s Guide to Depression helpful. Our primary goal is to keep you from finding enjoyment in life or fulfilling your goals, and we’re so honored that you chose us for your Mental Un-Health needs. (We’re kidding, we know you didn’t choose this.) Still, as always, we’re here to help. Reach out any time. Or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.

If you are experiencing Depression, there IS help. Everyone needs different treatment options, and the first step is the most important. It’s never too late to feel better. Visit for a list of resources.

Written by

Writer by day, circus artist by night. I write about art, media, culture, health, science, and where they all meet. Join my list:

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store