There is an epidemic in America. Not measles, although that’s happening too. (What’s that about herd immunity?) It’s a plague of despair keeping us all from getting on with our blissful lives. People are throwing away money on it that could be much better used on IKEA furniture and haircuts that command a manager.
I’m speaking, of course, about science. Who needs it? It hasn’t even brought us hovercraft or the ability to edit our Tweets. It’s 2019. Come on.
Here are the problems with science:
Science tells us we can’t have eggs, then it says eggs are actually good for us. Same for coffee. And wine. You know what, screw science. I’m just going to keep doing my weird Vogue diet from the ‘70s.
Science tells us we came from monkeys. That’s plainly absurd. We’re way better looking than monkeys. I mean, I do love bananas, but there’s where the similarities end!
Science tells us that we’re supposed to ward off infectious diseases by putting poison into our bodies. I mean, yeah, it’ll kill the germs or whatever, but I really don’t see how we survived thousands of years without vaccines and suddenly we need them?! Back in my day, we just died. Natural selection, baby.
Science tells us that there’s no purpose or direction in life — it’s all random. That’s a horrible…
