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There is an epidemic in America. Not measles, although that’s happening too. (What’s that about herd immunity?) It’s a plague of despair keeping us all from getting on with our blissful lives. People are throwing away money on it that could be much better used on IKEA furniture and haircuts that command a manager.

I’m speaking, of course, about science. Who needs it? It hasn’t even brought us hovercraft or the ability to edit our Tweets. It’s 2019. Come on.

Science tells us we can’t have eggs, then it says eggs are actually good for us. Same for coffee. And wine. You know what, screw science. I’m just going to keep doing my weird Vogue diet from the ‘70s.

Science tells us we came from monkeys. That’s plainly absurd. We’re way better looking than monkeys. I mean, I do love bananas, but there’s where the similarities end!

Science tells us that we’re supposed to ward off infectious diseases by putting poison into our bodies. I mean, yeah, it’ll kill the germs or whatever, but I really don’t see how we survived thousands of years without vaccines and suddenly we need them?! Back in my day, we just died. Natural selection, baby.

Science tells us that there’s no purpose or direction in life — it’s all random. That’s a horrible reality. I don’t even like my Spotify to be on shuffle.

Science tells us that we’re all going to melt, or burn up, or suffocate, or something, if we don’t put out the Amazon and stop climate change. Excuse me, but what am I supposed to do? Personally stand up in front of world leaders and demand that they take action? What am I, 16?

So, let me tell you what we’re going to do to stop these atrocities.

Here’s my handy guide to Science Denial.

Step 1: Focus on the things you can’t pronounce

That’s where they get you. They scare you with big words with “desalinization” and “antibiotic resistance” and dupe you into giving up life’s conveniences, rather than just admitting their true motive: to pad the pockets of Big Pharma, Big Oil, and Big Ag.

Play the game against them. They say those big-word things are bad, right? Point out how many unpronounceable things are in the drugs that they peddle. Those things are bad, right? And yet they want us to embrace thiomersal… thimerosal…thimblerisol? Whatever.

Step 2: Point out the obvious evidence in your own life

It’s pretty dang obvious that global warming is fake if your backyard was full of snow last winter, right? Duh. How can these scientists be so stupid? I guess they all live in Florida with all the crazy people.

Feel free to use your own excellent health as an example. Me, I hardly ever drink water and I eat meals that are half chips, half gummy bears, and I haven’t died! Screw these nutritional scientists telling me something about a food pyramid. Oh, the USDA approved it? Like I need the government telling me what to do.

Step 3: Make them feel dumb

Here’s a good one: Next time someone starts talking about evolution or some nonsense, just say, “If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?” To really punch up the impact, add a dramatic “Huh?!” at the end.

Let’s face it, science is for geeks who like to pretend they’re smarter than they are. They don’t actually think about how ridiculous these “theories” are. Don’t let them walk all over you with their superiority complex!

That’s it. My simple three-step method to science denial. Don’t forget, it’s up to us normal people to fight the onslaught of science that keeps us from living our lives. I’m sure we can get the iPhone 12 and credit card chips that actually work without the help of science and its lies.

What are your tips for battling the plague of science? Let me know in the responses!

Written by

Writer by day, circus artist by night. I write about art, media, culture, health, science, and where they all meet. Join my list:

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