My father is a good man. He is supportive, loving, and a good role model for me and my brother. He’s active in the community. He continues to be emotionally supportive of my mother even though their relationship ended. He’s what the Gillette ad encouraged. Unfortunately, all his guidance and protection didn’t stop me from being raped and abused. And that’s not his fault. Or mine.
As a feminist, I often get told that — not asked if— I “hate men.” How on Earth could I hate men when I have such a loving father? I don’t hate men. Quite the contrary. Like many feminists, I’m concerned about people’s welfare, not the end of men. But like with most discourse these days, people with an agenda are quick to gloss over complexity in favor of screaming about straw men/women.
Recently someone commented on one of my stories about toxic masculinity. As a wonderful example that proved my point, he wrote a long, laughable response that gaslit me, asserting that if women had strong men in their lives they wouldn’t have any problems. In addition to mocking my (male) partner for being abused by a previous girlfriend, he suggested that my father didn’t teach me well enough to be cautious and protect myself from rape, and that women need only choose “good men” over “assholes.”
First of all, rape isn’t usually done by strangers leaping out of bushes. So all the caution in the world wouldn’t save me. Nor did rape happen to me while I was intoxicated. And of course, the rape was not my fault, nor is it any victim’s fault. It’s the rapist’s fault.
Second, although this person heavily implied that he is one of the “good men,” it is pretty dang toxic to mock someone’s parent. So I won’t say anything about what kind of parenting this guy must have had to instill in him such toxic ideas about gender roles and sexual assault.
I was sexually harassed by my boss, sexually assaulted by a friend, abused by a boyfriend. My father couldn’t spare me that. But that isn’t his fault.
My father was the guy who grilled, who mowed the lawn, who told dad jokes. He always supported me, through my winding academic career to my passion for producing art shows to my darkest moments in which I contemplated suicide. He showed me love and compassion at every turn.
