I Was a Cool Girl
How I Threw Other Women Under the Bus to Make Boys Like Me
Women can’t drive.
Women aren’t good at sports or video games.
Women are crazy.
Women are selfish.
Women are materialistic.
Women are gold-digging sluts.
During my early twenties, these were all things with which I readily agreed when my guy friends said them. Not necessarily because I agreed wholesale, but because I felt like I was different from other women. I was smart, geeky, and not into “drama.” I liked men better than women and wanted them to like me — as friends or as boyfriends.
So I put other women down. I told sexist jokes and laughed at them when they were told. I rolled my eyes at movies and TV shows with female leads. I thought I was better than most women.
And get this — I identified as a feminist even then.
I was a bad feminist. I was plagued with internalized misogyny. Worst of all, I didn’t call people out when they laughed about or advocated sexual harassment or assault. I had male friends who actually admitted to having sex with women who were passed out. Did I blame my friends? No. I blamed the women. It was their fault for getting drunk. It was their fault for being friendly with the guy. It was just…their fault.
I can’t point to a single incident that snapped me out of this woman-hating mode of thought. I was sexually assaulted by friends and boyfriends. I was stalked and harassed by strange men. I also met women who didn’t match the stereotypes I’d learned. Eventually, I started to have more female friends than male friends. Then the scales tipped back a bit until my friend group was more balanced. As I matured, I realized that stereotypes are stupid and sexist jokes are harmful. I realized that both men and women can be toxic—or awesome.
I also realized just how pervasive sexual violence is — against both men and women—and how readily people excuse it. I made a promise to myself to stop telling sexist jokes, to stop throwing other women under the bus to make myself look better, to stop assuming I knew everything about other people’s lives and situations. I took responsibility for my biases and worked to correct them. And most importantly, I stopped wanting to be a “cool girl” and instead strived to be a good woman.
