Look at you, with your poofy fur tempting my hand, your adorable round eyes judging me. You’ve been sleeping the whole damn day I’ve been working my ass off. Your life is too damn good.
Clearly, you’re some saint reincarnated, right? No one else would have lucked into such a blissful existence, having your head scratched, belly filled, and poop neatly collected by foolish little me.
You extend your little paw toward me, wanting a handshake, as though you’re proposing a deal in which you have my undying affection in return for occasionally letting me pet your belly. I see the mischief flash in your eyes too late as you take my gullibly outstretched finger as an open invitation to turn your “handshake” into a vicious clawed attack.
And yet you have the nerve to meow at me and demand constant satisfaction, using your feline wiles to dissolve the rest of the world into a whimpering mess, undone by your cuteness. Shameful!
Why can’t I be that charismatic. Damn.
Not only that, you don’t have to stumble over your words, fumble with your clothes, or bumble through life like us human idiots. You get to just perch on the nice furniture and dig your claws in for a nice strrreeeetchhh and we hairless freaks just become puddles of oohs and ahhs. Dang, why can’t I be that suave?
And yet, I admire you, I do. I admire how you pretend that you totally meant to do that when your grace fails you and you topple off the edge of the dining table. I admire how you can charm the room with a smile. I admire how you keep your sense of playfulness, pretending that that dot on the wall is a bug and you’re a ferocious lion. I admire your dedication to your hygiene.
With practice, patience, and a dash of reincarnation, perhaps I can be just like you.
Rachel Wayne is a writer and artist based in Orlando, FL. She earned her master’s in visual anthropology from the University of Florida and runs the production company DreamQuilt. She is an avid aerial dancer and performance artist, and also dabbles in mixed-media. She writes nonfiction stories about herself and other awesome people, as well as essays on feminism, societal violence, mental health, politics, entrepreneurship, and whatever cultural topic strikes her fancy.