Despite my pathological laziness, I’ve rediscovered the entrepreneurial spirit that marks millennials’ disloyalty to our employers. I’m quitting my day job because I’ve found the perfect way to both defy our elders and avoid having to hear yet another boomer tantrum:
Eat the rich. Literally.
Ms. Wayne’s Meat Pies is a revolutionary concept that will both sate millennials’ voracious appetite for brunch and help protect our oh-so-delicate feelings.
We’ll simply turn boomers into delicious pies, then serve them their own nonsense.
Ms. Wayne’s Meat Pies includes the following delightful recipes:
Spiced with cayenne to represent Karen’s hotheadedness, this delightful pie is stuffed with olives and blue cheese — the most entitled ingredients we could think of. This puffy pastry is full of hot air, just like Karen…and it’s so good, we promise you won’t be asking for a manager! (But if you do, you’ll get an up-close-and-personal view of our meat processing room…)
Enjoy a whiskey-marinated filling that’s nearly bursting from this pie’s delightfully airy shell, which represents Hank’s ultra-thin skin as he desperately accuses millennials of the same. Perfect for those who want to fuel their rage toward those damn kids, this pie is something that you savor as you question all your life choices, then decide your problems are the younger generations’ fault.
For our customers who are offended by any sort of seasoning, we offer the whitest of meat with the simplest of recipes. This admittedly bland pie is perfect for a quick snack as you call the cops on those scary dark people for enjoying better food. We bake these pies extra small so that you can finish them quickly and get back to ruining other people’s barbecues.
We also offer a traditional British meat pie in honor of our customers who believe that Roger Moore was the best Bond. These discerning customers are the type who reminisce about the good ol’ days in which they could squeeze their female coworkers’ hineys without fear of judgment. The Roger pie is enhanced with a special ingredient that just helps you relax, okay?
We hope that by offering these exclusive pies, we can do our part to quell the generational warfare. Too long has the battle been fought, as boomers defend their immense privilege, while millennials wonder why it’s their fault that fabric softener sales are declining. There’s a simple solution that’s way easier than slaying Applebees’s and Buffalo Wild Wings. It’s time to make boomers serve us, rather than the other way around.