Member-only story
A Millennial’s Guide to Productivity
Tips and tricks for the self-hating employee
More than 99 percent of employers say that they prefer their employees to be productive. They’ve invested in millions of dollars’ worth of poorly designed software and training meant to lift us millennials out of our innate laziness and make us get to work, dammit.
What they don’t know is that millennials are actually workaholics, perpetually traumatized by the stain of the participation trophies that brought us ridicule from our peers. Our teachers were just too damn proud of themselves for handing us worthless awards to clutter our helicopter parents’ mantles. Yet like Pavlov’s dogs, we were conditioned to leap for pitiful rewards at the sound of the school bell. Now, we’re in the workforce trying to get what passes for cookies these days.
The key is to be productive. But how can we do that when we’ve piled up our tasks lists so high that we can’t see over them? How can we be the productivity beasts our bosses expect us to be, especially when we’re drowning in a dying world and deafened by the great death rattle of capitalism?
Why, it’s easy. Just follow these simple tips:
Take Breaks
Take lots of breaks. Stare at the ceiling and make your boomer coworkers wonder if you’re…
