More than 99 percent of employers say that they prefer their employees to be productive. They’ve invested in millions of dollars’ worth of poorly designed software and training meant to lift us millennials out of our innate laziness and make us get to work, dammit.
What they don’t know is that millennials are actually workaholics, perpetually traumatized by the stain of the participation trophies that brought us ridicule from our peers. Our teachers were just too damn proud of themselves for handing us worthless awards to clutter our helicopter parents’ mantles. Yet like Pavlov’s dogs, we were conditioned to leap for pitiful rewards at the sound of the school bell. Now, we’re in the workforce trying to get what passes for cookies these days.
The key is to be productive. But how can we do that when we’ve piled up our tasks lists so high that we can’t see over them? How can we be the productivity beasts our bosses expect us to be, especially when we’re drowning in a dying world and deafened by the great death rattle of capitalism?
Why, it’s easy. Just follow these simple tips:
Take lots of breaks. Stare at the ceiling and make your boomer coworkers wonder if you’re on “the pot.” Get up and take a walk so that you can get some great content for your Insta. You don’t need to justify your existence to anyone. That’s what got us into this mess where no one has any value outside their paycheck. Plus, you really will be able to return to your mind-numbing work with a slightly sharper brain. Maybe.
Have a System
I know, I know… a system. Down with the system… except when it’s time to color-code. But seriously, having a system helps free up more of your memory for your favorite quotes from The Good Place and your capacity to make dank memes. Break out those sticky notes and whimsical stationery: sloths and unicorns are a plus. Get everything out of your head, then go ahead and shred all your notes to bits. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Just Don’t Do It
The real key to being productive is to get as much shit off your to-do list as possible. When older generations do it, it’s called delegating. When millennials do it, it’s called dumping it on someone else. Let’s bring an end to that. It’s time to reclaim the dump in your office — and we don’t mean the disaster that is the break room.
Just … don’t do it. In fact, just get up from your desk. Walk out the door. Never return. Start a successful blog or podcast and send up a giant fuck-you signal to everyone who wonders why millennials change jobs every two years. Hint: it’s not us, it’s you.
With all that done, you should be able to put your signature millennial creativity. Be sure to speak up during staff meetings with your innovative ideas so that the older generations can steal credit for them, and don’t forget to devote at least an hour every night to your self-deprecation. Remember, confidence is both unbecoming and distracting! To be truly productive, you need only the mindless drill at the back of your mind, urging you to work, work, work til you die an early death. Thank God.
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